Just a Bit of Introspection

I love blogging, and I love reading other people’s blogs. Unfortunately, not very many people that I know blog, so I’m always excited to find out that someone I know does. Just recently, I stumbled upon the blog of someone from my church. I don’t really know her very well, but I was intrigued by her posts. She’s very personal, something I have a very hard time with, especially on a public blog. One particular post of hers moved me because it hit home. Here is an excerpt from it:

"……I love Aslan so much. I feel like Lucy when I think of Aslan. So, this morning, as I was on my way to church- which was hard to get up for, I wondered why I felt so much more endeared by Aslan than by the Lord Himself……First, God doesn't remind me of a stuffed animal, so I guess that might be why I don't feel fuzzy love when I think of Him. Yet the main reason why I think I am so much more attracted to Aslan than Christ is that in my eyes Aslan is still a mystery……

……However, the fact that I think I've got the Lord figured out takes away His mystery. There is a lack of awe in a person's mind when they believe they understand the entire mechanics of their subject……I obviously have a humanly limited view of the Lord. So, the notion of knowing Him completely is inaccurate. I KNOW that I don't know all of Him……Maybe it's just the impossibility of knowing the Lord that leads me to pass Him off as un-majestic…… I have come to the belief that my pride has kept me from worshiping Christ in all of His majesty……It is the fact that, in my heart, I believe that I know what there is to be known about the Lord and that causes my boredom.

Yet, when I reflect on the relationship of Aslan and Lucy, I see my relationship with the Lord in the time when He was still very much a mystery to me……The simplicity of God's unconditional love, void of achievement or knowledge, SHOULD motivate my tears. However, I feel that I need to be brought back to my place again, as a child of God. I need to open my eyes widely and look on Him as a mystery, like I once did."

I also sometimes have a hard time allowing my heart to feel God. I was raised a Christian. So I relate to her sense of boredom. My heart truly yearns for a close relationship with God but then I seem to adopt an attitude of ‘there’s nothing you can tell me that I haven’t already heard”. This of course, is completely untrue. When I manage to open my heart to receive what the Lord has to tell me, I hear a lot that may not be ‘new’ per say, but I hear it with a new significance in my life.

The issue of pride she mentioned is also a factor for me. I don’t like to cry in front of people. Often in church or even listening to music in the car, I’ll be instantly moved to tears but my inclination is to clamp down on the emotions. This obviously hampers my efforts at moving closer to God.

I live for the spiritual ‘mountains’ such as retreats, bible studies, or conferences. Your days are structured toward improving your relationship with God through worship, bible study, and fellowship. But it’s hard to maintain that special closeness in every day life.

I read letters that Dean and I wrote to each other pre-marriage when we were 18-19 years old. We sounded so spiritual! I want to return to a time where God is my first thought, the first answer. I was a child then, and I need to become like a child again.

Roan Quote: Roan was trying to make something but was having trouble and needed help, so he said, “Kai, I’m four years old and I can’t do it!”